Hi All:     I've recently delurked again, and I thought I'd just properly (re)introduce myself.  A few weeks ago there was a flurry of that going on, but I just wasn't up to pouring my heart out right then.  Now I think I am.     Fair warning: this is long.  I hope you won't be bored to tears  ; )     I've been posting on a.i.p. off and on for about 1.5 years.  I was so happy to discover this place after many years of IF treatment.  DH and I started ttc shortly after we were married in 1994.  By the Fall of 1995 I was seeing a RE.  I had a lap (removed some endo) and the other stuff involved in the work-up and moved right into IUIs.  On my 3rd one I again had a negative beta.  When I hadn't gotten my period a week later, my RE ran a second beta.  DH and I were thrilled to learn I was actually pg. Hindsight being what it is, I now realize how naive that was.  The initial low (negative) reading was classic for an ectopic.  And that is what I turned out to have.  After an emergency lap., it took a shot of methotrexate and 9 weeks for my HCG to fall to below 5.  This was a truly horrible time for me.  Another 2 IUIs in the Fall of 1996 were both failures.     I asked to be moved to IVF (RE wanted us to try IUI with injectables, but I was scared of another ectopic), so we had our 1st IVF in Jan. of 1997. I became hyperstimulated and was put on a month of bed rest.  Surprisingly, I was pg.  But the #s were low and - after several blood tests, USds and a couple of weeks- I was informed that the pg was hopeless and a D&E was performed.  Karyotyping showed the pg had a chromosomal abnormality and would never have survived.     We had also gotten enough eggs to freeze out of this cycle, so we eventually attempted 2 fozen cycles, Summer 1997 (6 thawed, 6 survived, no pg) and Fall 1997 (6 thawed, 1 survived, no pg).     We started our next IVF in Jan. of 1998.  Because of my hyperstimulation with the 1st cycle, my RE tried to stimulate me a little less.  Seemed to go well.  Went in for my retrieval. Nurse said she wanted RE to do an US first (sounded odd to me, but.....).  I was absolutely shocked when the RE said that I had already begun to ovulate and he was CANCELLING the cycle!!!  He did, however, perform an IUI.  I was devastated and cried until my eyes were swollen shut.  But, I actually ended up pg!!  However, my levels were once again lower than they would have liked.  Many USds, blood work, etc. followed.  By week 6 there was not yet a heartbeat.  My RE scheduled another US for a week later and a D&E immediately after because he didn't believe it looked promising.  The week was one of the longest ever.  We went for our US on week 7 and.......there WAS a heartbeat!!!  But my RE still cautioned us that things were not progressing well and not to get our hopes up.  He rescheduled an US and D&E for the following week.  The week that followed was definitely the longest I have ever endured.  When they began the US I knew immediately that it was over.  Where that lovely heartbeat had been there was only a black space.  The medical center is adjacent to my RE's office, so I was immediately taken over for a D&E.  I woke up in recovery sobbing, my face covered with tears.  This was the furthest along we were ever able to get.     That Summer we attempted our next IVF.  I mentioned to the US technician how deeply afraid I was of being cancelled again.  She interpreted this as meaning that I wanted to be retrieved.  I thought they took me a bit early but I trusted my RE.  The morning after the retrieval my RE called me.  I have learned to be glad when I don't hear from him - he only gets involved when things are bad.  It turned out that I had NO fertilization.  He was told that I 'wanted' the retrieval done early (they even called him on vacation).  I made it clear to him that this was absolutely not my choice and he now knows (far too late) to discuss anything against his better judgement directly with me.     Next IVF in the Fall of 1998.  Extremely depressed.  Possibly contributes to only producing 6 eggs (averaged 10-20 every other cycle).  No pg.     I have gained a lot (a LOT) of weight while ttc.  RE says he will not treat me anymore until I get my health a little better under control.  Over the course of 1999 go on a diet, learn I have been passing gall stones (one of which may have also contributed to the failure of my last IVF - who knows?!), and get my gall bladder out.  Subsequently, a rogue stone gets stuck causing extreme pain.  I'm back in the hospital for a week with IV morphine and more surgery.  Get set to start another cycle late Summer 1999. Routine bloodwork shows that my liver enzymes are out of whack.  RE won't let me cycle until this is resolved.  Liver doc makes me go through a liver biopsy (truly, truly, horrible - you must stay awake while they stick a large needle into your liver).  Shows nothing much.  RE and liver doc agree that I can cycle.  By now I have missed being able to cycle in 1999 because of looming holidays.     Get ready to start cycle in the Winter of 2000.  Do lupron and go in for _base_line US and blood work.  US shows very large fibroid which was not apparent ever before.  Because of large size (softball-like) RE is concerned about cancer risk.  Fibroids are only very rarely cancerous, but I get sent for an MRI that same day.  The MRI should have indicated whether it was likely to be cancerous or not.  But the results were inconclusive.  Spend the next 5 weeks waiting for surgery - major surgery at that - wondering if I have cancer.  Of course, no cycling for me either.     Surgery OK.  Out of work for 7 weeks.  Fibroid not cancer.     Get set for IVF cycle (again!) in the Spring.  Miraculously, get to cycle.  Produce a lot of eggs - about 20 - but quality not great.  No pg results.     Trying to decide when to call it quits.  Decide to try aggressive stimulation with an IUI, since insurance coverage ran out some time in 1999. Do this in Sept. 2000.  Become hugely stimulated, with far too many eggs to accurately determine.  RE says 'at least' 30.  Extremely uncomfortable. Everyone in RE's office very optimistic.  PG test showed an HCG of about 3, which, being less than 5, is considered negative.  The following day a second test showed that this number was not rising.  Since the HCG has to come from somewhere, I believe I have lost pg #4.     I consult with RE after this, fully expecting him to tell me that it is time to give up.  Instead he says he feels like I have a very good chance - I make eggs, get fertlization, and even get pg - so in his mind we are very close.  But he really thinks we need to do IVF (one of our problems is a low sperm count).  But I am not up for much more of this.  After begging DH to do this 'once more' (I said each of the last two would be our last cycle), I/we decide to do another IVF.     And that brings us to today.  I am doing estrace and prometrium to prepare for the IVF.  My stim. drugs will start about 12/30 and my retrieval will be around the week of 1/8/01.  I am trying to be _object_ive (and not hysterical) as we approach this.  Right now I am feeling pretty OK.  My last cycle produced my best ever stimulation.  If that can be coupled with IVF, maybe...........     So I'll be popping up more often from now on.  I spent a great deal of the past two months just grieving and trying to accept that I am likely to never be a Mom.  I am going to try to hold on to those feelings as I go through this IVF.  Maybe (fat chance!!) that will make it easier to endure.     OK, I could go on and on and on.  But you know that by now if you are still reading!!  Thanks for being there and I hope we all have some bright spots coming to our lives soon. Hugs,

Hi Deb.  I have just found AIP in the last 2 weeks so we would not have met before.  I am sorry for all that you have been through but inspired by your perseverance (and that of your DH). You have all my best wishes as you prepare for your next IVF.  IVF is my course of treatment too, although we won't be starting again until sometime next spring. In the meantime, many good thoughts and cyberhugs are coming your way. Sarah Deb B < This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it wrote in message | Hi All: | |     I've recently delurked again, and I thought I'd just properly | (re)introduce myself.  A few weeks ago there was a flurry of that going on, | but I just wasn't up to pouring my heart out right then.  Now I think I am. | |     Fair warning: this is long.  I hope you won't be bored to tears  ; ) | |     I've been posting on a.i.p. off and on for about 1.5 years.  I was so | happy to discover this place after many years of IF treatment.  DH and I | started ttc shortly after we were married in 1994.  By the Fall of 1995 I | was seeing a RE.  I had a lap (removed some endo) and the other stuff | involved in the work-up and moved right into IUIs.  On my 3rd one I again | had a negative beta.  When I hadn't gotten my period a week later, my RE ran | a second beta.  DH and I were thrilled to learn I was actually pg. | Hindsight being what it is, I now realize how naive that was.  The initial | low (negative) reading was classic for an ectopic.  And that is what I | turned out to have.  After an emergency lap., it took a shot of methotrexate | and 9 weeks for my HCG to fall to below 5.  This was a truly horrible time | for me.  Another 2 IUIs in the Fall of 1996 were both failures. | |     I asked to be moved to IVF (RE wanted us to try IUI with injectables, | but I was scared of another ectopic), so we had our 1st IVF in Jan. of 1997. | I became hyperstimulated and was put on a month of bed rest. Surprisingly, | I was pg.  But the #s were low and - after several blood tests, USds and a | couple of weeks- I was informed that the pg was hopeless and a D&E was | performed.  Karyotyping showed the pg had a chromosomal abnormality and | would never have survived. | |     We had also gotten enough eggs to freeze out of this cycle, so we | eventually attempted 2 fozen cycles, Summer 1997 (6 thawed, 6 survived, no | pg) and Fall 1997 (6 thawed, 1 survived, no pg). | |     We started our next IVF in Jan. of 1998.  Because of my hyperstimulation | with the 1st cycle, my RE tried to stimulate me a little less.  Seemed to go | well.  Went in for my retrieval. Nurse said she wanted RE to do an US first | (sounded odd to me, but.....).  I was absolutely shocked when the RE said | that I had already begun to ovulate and he was CANCELLING the cycle!!!  He | did, however, perform an IUI.  I was devastated and cried until my eyes were | swollen shut.  But, I actually ended up pg!!  However, my levels were once | again lower than they would have liked.  Many USds, blood work, etc. | followed.  By week 6 there was not yet a heartbeat.  My RE scheduled another | US for a week later and a D&E immediately after because he didn't believe it | looked promising.  The week was one of the longest ever.  We went for our US | on week 7 and.......there WAS a heartbeat!!!  But my RE still cautioned us | that things were not progressing well and not to get our hopes up.  He | rescheduled an US and D&E for the following week.  The week that followed | was definitely the longest I have ever endured.  When they began the US I | knew immediately that it was over.  Where that lovely heartbeat had been | there was only a black space.  The medical center is adjacent to my RE's | office, so I was immediately taken over for a D&E.  I woke up in recovery | sobbing, my face covered with tears.  This was the furthest along we were | ever able to get. | |     That Summer we attempted our next IVF.  I mentioned to the US technician | how deeply afraid I was of being cancelled again.  She interpreted this as | meaning that I wanted to be retrieved.  I thought they took me a bit early | but I trusted my RE.  The morning after the retrieval my RE called me.  I | have learned to be glad when I don't hear from him - he only gets involved | when things are bad.  It turned out that I had NO fertilization.  He was | told that I 'wanted' the retrieval done early (they even called him on | vacation).  I made it clear to him that this was absolutely not my choice | and he now knows (far too late) to discuss anything against his better | judgement directly with me. | |     Next IVF in the Fall of 1998.  Extremely depressed.  Possibly | contributes to only producing 6 eggs (averaged 10-20 every other cycle). No | pg. | |     I have gained a lot (a LOT) of weight while ttc.  RE says he will not | treat me anymore until I get my health a little better under control. Over | the course of 1999 go on a diet, learn I have been passing gall stones (one | of which may have also contributed to the failure of my last IVF - who | knows?!), and get my gall bladder out.  Subsequently, a rogue stone gets | stuck causing extreme pain.  I'm back in the hospital for a week with IV | morphine and more surgery.  Get set to start another cycle late Summer 1999. | Routine bloodwork shows that my liver enzymes are out of whack.  RE won't | let me cycle until this is resolved.  Liver doc makes me go through a liver | biopsy (truly, truly, horrible - you must stay awake while they stick a | large needle into your liver).  Shows nothing much.  RE and liver doc agree | that I can cycle.  By now I have missed being able to cycle in 1999 because | of looming holidays. | |     Get ready to start cycle in the Winter of 2000.  Do lupron and go in for | _base_line US and blood work.  US shows very large fibroid which was not | apparent ever before.  Because of large size (softball-like) RE is concerned | about cancer risk.  Fibroids are only very rarely cancerous, but I get sent | for an MRI that same day.  The MRI should have indicated whether it was | likely to be cancerous or not.  But the results were inconclusive.  Spend | the next 5 weeks waiting for surgery - major surgery at that - wondering if | I have cancer.  Of course, no cycling for me either. | |     Surgery OK.  Out of work for 7 weeks.  Fibroid not cancer. | |     Get set for IVF cycle (again!) in the Spring.  Miraculously, get to | cycle.  Produce a lot of eggs - about 20 - but quality not great.  No pg | results. | |     Trying to decide when to call it quits.  Decide to try aggressive | stimulation with an IUI, since insurance coverage ran out some time in 1999. | Do this in Sept. 2000.  Become hugely stimulated, with far too many eggs to | accurately determine.  RE says 'at least' 30.  Extremely uncomfortable. | Everyone in RE's office very optimistic.  PG test showed an HCG of about 3, | which, being less than 5, is considered negative.  The following day a | second test showed that this number was not rising.  Since the HCG has to | come from somewhere, I believe I have lost pg #4. | |     I consult with RE after this, fully expecting him to tell me that it is | time to give up.  Instead he says he feels like I have a very good chance - | I make eggs, get fertlization, and even get pg - so in his mind we are very | close.  But he really thinks we need to do IVF (one of our problems is a low | sperm count).  But I am not up for much more of this.  After begging DH to | do this 'once more' (I said each of the last two would be our last cycle), | I/we decide to do another IVF. | |     And that brings us to today.  I am doing estrace and prometrium to | prepare for the IVF.  My stim. drugs will start about 12/30 and my retrieval | will be around the week of 1/8/01.  I am trying to be _object_ive (and not | hysterical) as we approach this.  Right now I am feeling pretty OK.  My last | cycle produced my best ever stimulation.  If that can be coupled with IVF, | maybe........... | |     So I'll be popping up more often from now on.  I spent a great deal of | the past two months just grieving and trying to accept that I am likely to | never be a Mom.  I am going to try to hold on to those feelings as I go | through this IVF.  Maybe (fat chance!!) that will make it easier to endure. | |     OK, I could go on and on and on.  But you know that by now if you are | still reading!!  Thanks for being there and I hope we all have some bright | spots coming to our lives soon. | | Hugs, |

Wow, Deb, I don't even think I knew all the details of your struggle.  I hope this is the last IVF you ever do and that you do get pregnant and stay pregnant and have your baby.  That's what I wish for everyone here.  I can't believe all you've been through.  If this doesn't show your dedication to being a good mother, I don't know what is.  You are very strong.  Best wishes on this cycle!

I'm so very sorry for your many losses. I've also had a chemical pregnancy early on(where you have low hcg numbers but they never rise) and it can be heartbreaking. I suffered a miscarriage early this year and I think I can understand all the hope you have. Granted you've been through so much more then I have, I still feel like I can sympathize. I wish you luck in your new cycles, I think the Prometrium is a great idea, I am also pursuing progesterone supplements. After all you've been through I can think of few people who would deserve and love a bundle of joy more then yourselves. rebekah

Sorry about everything you have been through...I can't believe how much you have experienced and am so sorry that you have to go thru this. I really don't have much to add; just wanted to send you a {{{HUG}}} Linda ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~. Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another             What? You too? I thought I was the only one. - C. S. Lewis